I have seen Will twice more since my last post. We saw each other on Thursday night. He picked me up and we went to the same coffee shop that we had our first date on and tried more of their teas. We even sat in the exact same booth. It was really sweet. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him afterwards and I said sure. We ended up getting a movie at Redbox and watching it at his place. We had the movie on for about five minutes before we started to kiss and then make our way to the bedroom. He is incredibly strong and will always pick me up and I’ll wrap my legs around his waste as he walks us there. I’m pretty small, but he is also very strong.
Things escalated and we were in the same situation as last time. We were both completely undressed and it seemed like sex was what was going to happen. So I asked him if he wanted to, and he replied by asking me if I did. I didn’t really know if I did or not so my response was just to kiss him. He pushed himself into me once and asked if it hurt. I told him it did. He said he’d need to get a condom anyways. He rolled off of me and said, “Can I ask you a question?”. “Sure.” “Are you a virgin?”. I had a feeling that would be the question. I said, “Not technically.” “What do you mean?” “I have done it a couple of times but it was a bad decision.” “A bad position?” “No, a bad decision.”
It was silent for a bit until he said he was sorry my first time was bad. I said it was okay it was my own fault. He kissed me on my forehead and said it wasn’t. After this exchange he said he thinks we should wait and I agreed.
I felt so much better after having this conversation since I felt weird about last time. Clearly he didn’t view me as “easy” or “fast” since I felt ready last time. I feel silly now for even thinking so because if you met me you’d know I’m not even remotely like that.
I do feel a bit strange about one thing though. Ever since my horrible experiences with guys since going to college (you can read about in my earlier posts), I feel they have changed my views on intimacy. I used to think that I was the type of person to only be intimate with someone when I really liked them and we were in a relationship. I thought sex was such an incredibly special thing you should only do if you’re in love. I now find that it is hard to live that way in today’s society. I still do feel this way to an extent, but it seems like no one else does. I want sex to be special but it seems that no one else views it that way. But if sex isn’t a big deal and isn’t a beautiful and special thing, then what is? I can’t deal with the idea that I’m having sex with someone and it doesn’t mean much, that is so depressing to me. It’s such a vulnerable thing to do, yet even Will, the guy I’m with now who I think has tremendous integrity and morals, is ready to have sex so early on. Does he not view sex that highly? Or does he just already like me that much? Is it really that old fashioned of me to want to live in a world where we only kiss people we have feelings for and have sex with people we’re in love with? At the very least I want to be in a relationship with him before we have sex, but I’m leaving that ball in his court. We haven’t had the talk about it yet, and I’m not really sure how/when that will happen. I don’t really know how long people typically wait to define their relationships these days.
It seems like next time I’ll have to tell him I want to wait on sex for awhile. I am not really sure how long I even want to wait to be honest. But I do know I want it to be special and no one ever regrets waiting and taking things slow. I really like him so I don’t want to rush into things this time and have regrets. My first time was a huge mistake that I want to start with a clean slate and make this time as special as I’ve always imagined. (or at least close).