part eight- last time

Before I begin, I’d like to apologize for the two week delay in posting. I’ve been particularly busy the past few weeks.

I saw Nick several more times after that night. We had sex roughly three to four more times, I don’t really remember.

The last night I saw him we went bowling. I hadn’t bowled since my elementary days and didn’t realize people still actually went bowling. It was okay, I was better than I expected. While we were there Mark texted me. He asked what I was doing that night and I told him I was busy. He wanted me to come over when I was done, it didn’t matter how late it was. I told him I probably couldn’t, but the thought lingered in my mind throughout the night.

Nick and I went back to his place after bowling. We ended up stripping down and having sex again. It hurt particularly bad this time. I told him it felt like he was shoving a hard rock inside me. I got dressed and told him I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to leave. He seemed surprised that I’d gotten dressed so quickly and changed himself and walked me outside. He asked if I wanted to get lunch the next coming Monday and I told him maybe, but I knew I didn’t want to and that was the last time I would see him.

I got into my car and texted Mark back. I told him I could come over. He was excited and I headed over and spent the night. I remember when I got there Mark noticed how nice I looked and asked where I came from. I avoided the question, not wanting to tell him I was just on a date.

I saw Mark a few more times after this, but shortly stopped. He still contacts me every few months to this day trying to hookup. I’ve blocked him on all platforms.

That was the last time I saw Nick. He asked me to go out the week after and I pushed it off telling him I wanted to focus on finals. He got the hint that I was no longer interested and I never heard from him again.


part seven- date three with Nick

It was March 31st, and I had dinner plans with my best friend Alyson. We both had birthdays within the last week and were celebrating together with a birthday dinner. Alyson was extremely boy crazy. Once she had gotten Tinder that year, it was just one guy after another. She ended up losing her virginity to a guy she had just met in a frat house. She was so obsessed with this guy and in the back of my mind I felt horrible for her. He ended up sleeping with her roughly three times and then telling her he didn’t want a relationship. The reason I never slept with Mark was because I wanted my virginity to be special. I had told Mark I wasn’t going to have sex with him unless we were in a relationship and his response was, “Well, that changes things. Oh well, I like what we have now.” I grew up in a very religious household. My parents didn’t necessarily raise me to wait until marriage, but to wait until I’m engaged or at least in a pretty serious relationship.

This freshman year of mine in which all of these things happened, I was going through a rough time. My uncle had stage three liver cancer and moved into our home until he was inevitably going to die. My oldest brother was going through a series of psychotic episodes cycling through different mental hospitals and eventually was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. This all put tremendous stress on my parents so my family environment was very tense. I also hated my major in college and was struggling just to pass some of my classes. I suppose all these ways of me acting out of my typical norms was my way of coping with all that was happening in my life at the time.

I told Alyson while we were at dinner that I thought I was going to have sex with Nick. I told her I was seeing him that night and it was probably going to happen. I wanted to know what her experience was like so I knew what to expect. She told me that she bled a ton and it hurt pretty bad at first. But every time after that it hurt less and less.

I also remember her saying, “Are you sure about this?” And I was taken a back a bit due to her past promiscuous experiences with the guys. I told her I was, I just wanted to get it over with. In the back of my mind, I was afraid of being a virgin too much longer. I didn’t want to miss the chance and then be old and still a virgin. She said to me, “Okay, I just don’t think people change their minds that quickly. Not on something like this, it was kind of a big deal to you.” I knew she was right, but I brushed it off. It came to my mind that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with Nick. I didn’t really like him enough. I asked Alyson if it would be wrong to kind of use him for sex with that intention. She said that was horrible and I needed to tell him before we had sex that I didn’t want a relationship.

Nick had a concert that night, so I just ended up going over to his place in the late evening and spending the night. I remember I was wearing a pretty spring dress because of the birthday dinner celebration with Alyson. Nick noticed how nice I looked and thought it was for him. I specifically told him it wasn’t.

Prior to getting there, he told me he had to run an errand so to come a few minutes later. Once I got there we went to his bedroom. He was wearing all black because of his concert. I was nervous to tell him I didn’t want to have a relationship. I wasn’t sure how to say that exactly. While I was contemplating this he must of read my mind because he asked me, “So are we like, dating?” This was so bizarre to me because it was three dates in (and that’s if you call this late night hang out a date) and he already wanted me to be his girlfriend. I had wanted this to happen with Mark for so long and was always too afraid I’d lose him if I brought it up.

“I don’t really want to be in a relationship right now,” was all I said. He seemed surprised and assumed it was just too early and I’d come around eventually.

One thing led to another and it didn’t take long before things started to get hot and heavy. He started off with foreplay on me just using his hand while laying next to me. He wanted to make me finish but failed. He thought he’d gotten close but in reality he really hadn’t. I hated going down on guys. Specifically Nick. Probably because I had no feelings for him nor found him very attractive. It just made it worse. But I did anyways, I don’t know why. I guess I thought you had to in order to have sex. That’s the way he made it seem.

He put a condom on and also had a tube of lube. Apparently that was the errand he had to run. The lube smelled weird and end up giving me a rash down there later on. He started off by pulling me to the edge of the bed with me legs dangling off while I was still laying down. He was standing holding my legs up onto his shoulders. He pushed himself into me and it hurt. I was so determined to just “get my virginity over with” that I didn’t say anything. I wanted him to just keep going, hoping the pain would get better. He didn’t last long and could see I was wincing in pain. He tried a few other positions which were all equally as painful. Thankfully I didn’t bleed a drop though. He never ended up finishing and we went to bed. It didn’t really even feel like I had lost it. Just because a guy pushes his dick into me I’m no longer a virgin? All of a sudden the whole virginity concept felt very strange and adolescent to me.

The next morning when we woke up he started kissing me again. I remember thinking he was way too touchy feely for me. Every chance he got he would kiss or touch me. We ended up trying again that morning. There were times when it didn’t hurt quite as much but it still wasn’t a pleasant experience. The room smelt so gross to me. It smelt like sex combined with that cheap lube he had bought. I think we ended up going to breakfast the next morning but honestly I don’t even remember.

I called my life long best friend Katie that night. She and I went to middle and high school together but she went away to college so I didn’t get to see her as often. I told her I had lost my v card to Nick. It was April Fool’s that day so she thought that I was playing a prank on her at first. I hadn’t even realized it was April Fool’s so I thought that was really funny. I told her I didn’t regret it and it was fine. She said that was good. At the time, I really didn’t regret it. Maybe I had deep down but I didn’t want to deal with more shit going on in my life so I just ignored it.


part six- date two with Nick

Nick asked me out on a second date. It was a little while after our first date since we had spring break as well as busy schedules. We decided to go bowling. I met him at his house again and he drove us to the bowling alley. Once we got there, it turned out it was going to be a forty minute wait for us to bowl. We decided we didn’t even care about bowling much to begin with, so we left.

We weren’t sure what we should do so we sat in his car and checked our phones to see if there was anything going on that night. Nick found a list online of things to do when on a date when you’re unsure of what to do. He saw that one of the things was to kiss. When he said it out loud I laughed slightly, not really wanting to. We kept reading and couldn’t come up with anything to do. After searching he said, “I liked the idea of kissing.” I didn’t say anything and he leaned in and kissed me. It was an awkward angle since we were both sitting in the front of his car so honestly it was a pretty bad kiss. He even commented on how it was pretty bad. In attempt to make up for it he tried again and it was equally as bad. We ended up deciding to just go back to his place to hang out.

Once we got there we listened to a Kendrick Lamar record while playing foosball. Not to brag, but I’m really good at foosball and ended up beating him, which he was surprised and impressed by.

We sat on the couch afterwards and he started to kiss me again. He wasn’t a very good kisser. It all felt very awkward and forced and I wondered if he felt the same way. I kept trying to stop it without blatantly saying it by getting a sip of water. We ended up going to his bedroom because of his roommate. He sat on the bed and told me to let him know if we were going to fast. I instantly felt anxious because I didn’t want to go any further.

We kissed for awhile and he took my top off. He felt up my chest and commented on how he really liked it. He wanted to go even further but I told him I didn’t want to. I remember him saying, “Come on, Scarlett, you know we’re just going to next time.” So I told him I was a virgin, and he said that made more sense but he was very surprised. I told him I had just been waiting for it to be special and with someone I loved but now I wasn’t so sure. He told me it was overrated to make your first time that important.

It was getting really late at this point so I just ended up spending the night. I lived at home and it was almost thirty minutes away and I was too tired to drive. Whenever I spent the night at a guy’s place I told my parents I was with Alyson. They never doubted it.

The next morning Nick took me out for breakfast which was nice. I was so used to spending the night at Mark’s and sneaking out the door with barely a goodbye while he still laid in bed all the day. The most Mark would do was ask me for money so he could go buy Chick fil a for himself.

When I thought of Nick in comparison to Mark it seemed so much healthier and more like what I wanted in a relationship. I still didn’t feel any sort of feelings for him though. But since things were already progressing rather quickly it crossed my mind that maybe he should be the one I lose my virginity to. I was so tired of having to tell guys I was a virgin and just wanted to get it over with. I assumed it would hurt the first time but once that was done sex would just be normal. Maybe Nick was right, maybe who you lose your virginity to doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s better to lose it to him than someone I love because I won’t have to worry about being attached just because we’ve had sex. Is/should your virginity be such a big deal? Would I end up regretting it since my whole life I’ve always viewed it as such a sacred thing?

part five- Nick

I saw Mark on and off for several months after that night. He was an asshole who smoked weed and drank every night I saw him and purely saw us as a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship. I had idealized him so much that I held on for way longer than I should have. I could go into more details about Mark but honestly he’s not worth any more of my time.

In the midst of getting over Mark, I met this guy named Nick on Tinder. He was also a musician like me and we seemed to have a lot of common interests. Based off his pictures he looked fairly cute, but he wasn’t super good looking. He seemed incredibly sweet, however, which really made me want to give him a chance. After my bad experiences with Mark toying with my heart, I wanted to meet someone that actually wanted me for me, not me for my body.

So we went on our first date to dinner and then to go see a band downtown. I parked my car at his place and we walked to dinner from there. I noticed immediately that he wasn’t as cute as in his photos. If I’m being brutally honest, I didn’t even recognize him. He was a bit overweight and rather short. His photos were clearly older and he had gained weight since. He also have a pretty large nose. But beyond that, he wasn’t too bad looking. We actually had a lot of fun that night. We went to my favorite pizza place downtown, saw a great band downtown, and then ended the night walking around a park star gazing and getting to know one another. Everything he said and did for me felt like exactly what I wanted but I didn’t feel a spark yet. I hoped one would come eventually, so I kept seeing him.

part four- caved

More weeks go by of just talking to Mark. I couldn’t take it anymore! I needed to see him. So I finally just asked him, “Don’t you want to see me?!” “Of course,” he said. “You can come over tomorrow if you’d like, I’ll probably be high though.”

I decided to do it. I caved. I had a major crush on this guy. (Remember, he looks exactly like Chuck Bass.) So I did it. I said I’d be there. We planned for me not only to go there that next night but for me to spend the night. This was eighteen year old me. (He was twenty-one.) I was a virgin, I had never smoked or drank anything in my life. The only time I had even kissed a guy was when I was fourteen and I hadn’t since.

So, I had to set some ground rules for myself. I wasn’t going to drink, I wasn’t going to get high, and I wasn’t going to have sex. Surprisingly, I ended up not doing any of those things, so go me! (?)

He greeted me in the parking lot once I got there. I remember him laughing and I didn’t understand why. It was because he was already so high. I instantly felt regret but I kept going. I was afraid to speak up for myself. Once we got inside he got a drink and asked if I wanted anything. I told him no. We watched some shows that he thought were funny for awhile while I faked a laugh.

After awhile he got up and turned the lights down. When he sat back down next to me he put his arm around me. He looked down at my face and kissed me. He got up and asked if I wanted to go to his room. I told him I did but I didn’t want to go ‘all the way’. He said that was okay.

Once we got up to the bedroom he turned the lights off and got on the bed. He pulled me on top of him and kissed me for awhile. He took off my sweater and bra. I was so nervous and afraid. I realized he was the first guy to ever see me topless. He pushed my head downwards wanting me to go down on him. I refused. I told him I didn’t want to. He pleaded for awhile and then asked if I’ve ever done that before. I told him I hadn’t. He respected it and we just stook to making out and dry humping for the night.

I left the next morning with hickies all over my neck. He made me feel so innocent and immature in comparison to him. But I liked that he was older than me. I knew he wasn’t a great guy. I knew he even treated me kind of shitty. But I didn’t care. I don’t know why I was so drawn to him but I was still crazy about him. I still wanted to see him. And so I did, many, many more times after this night.


part three- girlfriend?

Days go by and he still texted me everyday. One night, he seemed distant. I asked him if everything was okay and he said it wasn’t. He said, “I’m sorry but my girlfriend just broke up with me and I’m really upset.” WHAT? Girlfriend?! You’ve got to be kidding. Was I delusional thinking there was something between us? Or was this guy just a total douche?? I responded, “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” To which he said, “Yeah I don’t like to make a big deal out of those things and didn’t want to come off pretentious by telling you.” My whole head was spinning. I couldn’t have just made this all up in my head. I literally had asked him out and called it a date. Wouldn’t that have been a good time to mention the girlfriend? At this point, however, I was already under Mark’s spell. I really dug this guy. I still had hope for our future. So, I played it cool. I consoled him. He said how sweet I was and I took that as a compliment. He acted like this whole thing between us was us just being friends, but yet still left me that inch of leeway by saying he was potentially open to being more.

I was pretty upset about this but things remained fairly the same after that. He still texted me daily being all cute and flirty. He also seemed to be getting over his breakup rather quickly.

On Thursday night he texted me asking what I was doing on Friday. I freaked instantly assuming he was going to ask me out. I told him I had early dinner plans with a friend but afterwards I was free. To which he replied, “I have a concert but afterwards I was wondering if you wanted to come over to hang out and have a drink.”

Eye rollllll. For one, he knows I don’t drink. Two, this would technically be our first date! I don’t want to go over there at 10pm while he drinks and talks about his breakup and then we end up hooking up. You all know how those late night “hang out” sessions work. No. I didn’t want that. I actually liked this guy. I wanted to get to know him, I wanted to be his girlfriend, I wanted to live long happy lives together! (Okay, maybe not that far, but you get the point.) So I respond with, “Seriously…?” That’s it. I was P-O’ed.

“Haha you wouldn’t have to drink of course.”

Okay, not any better guy. Does he seriously not get why this isn’t okay?

“If you want to see me I’d totally be down for coffee or dinner or something but I don’t really want to just go to your place alone late at night while you drink.” I crafted this message together after sending multiple screenshots to many friends asking what to say. I was pretty nervous sending this message, I thought this could very well be the end of us.

“Okay thats cool.” That was it. That’s all he gave me. But I felt pretty good, and still had hopes that Mark and I had a happy and romantic future ahead of us. Ahh youth naivety is such a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

part two- patience

Later on that night, he sent me another Facebook message. He said, “I’m a little drunk, but you play the harp beautifully.” At the time, I found this to be extremely exciting. My naive self didn’t think, “Wow, seriously? You’re drunk? Why did you have to say that, is that the only way you can be sincere?” Among other red flags that could potentially go about that. But instead all that went through my mind was, “OMFG HE MESSAGED ME!”

This was just the beginning. We talked for awhile, eventually exchanging numbers and texting one another. He texted me everyday for weeks. I never even texted him first. He even sent me ‘Good morning’ texts! It seemed like we had so much in common and I loved talking to him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. There was only one problem. I wanted to actually see him. I felt like it had been so long and we just kept talking but he wasn’t making a move! It was so obvious there was a connection. And I’m not talking a platonic connection. We were very flirty with one another and I wanted to do less texting and more face to face. The most I saw him in person was just passing in the hallways and waving. I needed more than that! So, I decided it was time to make a move. I asked him if he’d like to go to a concert with me that weekend. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to because he was going to be out of town that weekend. So, I left the ball in his court, saying he had to cash in the rain check for a date with me soon. He responded well, saying he’d love to, being very flirty, etc. Things were looking good and I had high hopes for this future date. I tried not to be impatient and to be cool about it.

He ended up scheduling a coffee date on campus at 1pm. I was so excited and nervous, we mainly only talked through texting so will it even be the same? I dressed casual but still cute that day and wore mascara. I told my best friend Alyson all about him and she was happy he finally had scheduled a date. While Alyson and I were waiting outside one of our classes during that day I got a text message from Mark. I looked down and see, “Please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me…” Ugh. I opened the message to find that he was cancelling our coffee date. He gave the excuse of how he was depressed due to the presidential election the night before (which is understandable), and he had other shit to do so he wouldn’t be able to fit it in. But he promised he’d make it up to me. He had a concert that night so I told him Alyson and I were going. Since he blew me off for our coffee date I asked him if he’d at least say hi to us after the concert. He said of course so Alyson and I got dinner and headed over to the show.

Alyson and I sat through the show, which to be completely honest was kind of a bore. When it was finally over we went into the lobby and waited for Mark to approach us. I saw him talking to some of his saxophone friends but as soon as he saw us he came right over. He hugged me as soon as he saw me! I introduced him to Alyson and told him how much we enjoyed the concert. The conversation was pretty short but I was so happy to just see him. He hugged me again before he left. Two hugs. I was ecstatic! And Alyson agreed he was very cute. Even though the original plans didn’t work out, it was still a good day.