It was March 31st, and I had dinner plans with my best friend Alyson. We both had birthdays within the last week and were celebrating together with a birthday dinner. Alyson was extremely boy crazy. Once she had gotten Tinder that year, it was just one guy after another. She ended up losing her virginity to a guy she had just met in a frat house. She was so obsessed with this guy and in the back of my mind I felt horrible for her. He ended up sleeping with her roughly three times and then telling her he didn’t want a relationship. The reason I never slept with Mark was because I wanted my virginity to be special. I had told Mark I wasn’t going to have sex with him unless we were in a relationship and his response was, “Well, that changes things. Oh well, I like what we have now.” I grew up in a very religious household. My parents didn’t necessarily raise me to wait until marriage, but to wait until I’m engaged or at least in a pretty serious relationship.
This freshman year of mine in which all of these things happened, I was going through a rough time. My uncle had stage three liver cancer and moved into our home until he was inevitably going to die. My oldest brother was going through a series of psychotic episodes cycling through different mental hospitals and eventually was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. This all put tremendous stress on my parents so my family environment was very tense. I also hated my major in college and was struggling just to pass some of my classes. I suppose all these ways of me acting out of my typical norms was my way of coping with all that was happening in my life at the time.
I told Alyson while we were at dinner that I thought I was going to have sex with Nick. I told her I was seeing him that night and it was probably going to happen. I wanted to know what her experience was like so I knew what to expect. She told me that she bled a ton and it hurt pretty bad at first. But every time after that it hurt less and less.
I also remember her saying, “Are you sure about this?” And I was taken a back a bit due to her past promiscuous experiences with the guys. I told her I was, I just wanted to get it over with. In the back of my mind, I was afraid of being a virgin too much longer. I didn’t want to miss the chance and then be old and still a virgin. She said to me, “Okay, I just don’t think people change their minds that quickly. Not on something like this, it was kind of a big deal to you.” I knew she was right, but I brushed it off. It came to my mind that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with Nick. I didn’t really like him enough. I asked Alyson if it would be wrong to kind of use him for sex with that intention. She said that was horrible and I needed to tell him before we had sex that I didn’t want a relationship.
Nick had a concert that night, so I just ended up going over to his place in the late evening and spending the night. I remember I was wearing a pretty spring dress because of the birthday dinner celebration with Alyson. Nick noticed how nice I looked and thought it was for him. I specifically told him it wasn’t.
Prior to getting there, he told me he had to run an errand so to come a few minutes later. Once I got there we went to his bedroom. He was wearing all black because of his concert. I was nervous to tell him I didn’t want to have a relationship. I wasn’t sure how to say that exactly. While I was contemplating this he must of read my mind because he asked me, “So are we like, dating?” This was so bizarre to me because it was three dates in (and that’s if you call this late night hang out a date) and he already wanted me to be his girlfriend. I had wanted this to happen with Mark for so long and was always too afraid I’d lose him if I brought it up.
“I don’t really want to be in a relationship right now,” was all I said. He seemed surprised and assumed it was just too early and I’d come around eventually.
One thing led to another and it didn’t take long before things started to get hot and heavy. He started off with foreplay on me just using his hand while laying next to me. He wanted to make me finish but failed. He thought he’d gotten close but in reality he really hadn’t. I hated going down on guys. Specifically Nick. Probably because I had no feelings for him nor found him very attractive. It just made it worse. But I did anyways, I don’t know why. I guess I thought you had to in order to have sex. That’s the way he made it seem.
He put a condom on and also had a tube of lube. Apparently that was the errand he had to run. The lube smelled weird and end up giving me a rash down there later on. He started off by pulling me to the edge of the bed with me legs dangling off while I was still laying down. He was standing holding my legs up onto his shoulders. He pushed himself into me and it hurt. I was so determined to just “get my virginity over with” that I didn’t say anything. I wanted him to just keep going, hoping the pain would get better. He didn’t last long and could see I was wincing in pain. He tried a few other positions which were all equally as painful. Thankfully I didn’t bleed a drop though. He never ended up finishing and we went to bed. It didn’t really even feel like I had lost it. Just because a guy pushes his dick into me I’m no longer a virgin? All of a sudden the whole virginity concept felt very strange and adolescent to me.
The next morning when we woke up he started kissing me again. I remember thinking he was way too touchy feely for me. Every chance he got he would kiss or touch me. We ended up trying again that morning. There were times when it didn’t hurt quite as much but it still wasn’t a pleasant experience. The room smelt so gross to me. It smelt like sex combined with that cheap lube he had bought. I think we ended up going to breakfast the next morning but honestly I don’t even remember.
I called my life long best friend Katie that night. She and I went to middle and high school together but she went away to college so I didn’t get to see her as often. I told her I had lost my v card to Nick. It was April Fool’s that day so she thought that I was playing a prank on her at first. I hadn’t even realized it was April Fool’s so I thought that was really funny. I told her I didn’t regret it and it was fine. She said that was good. At the time, I really didn’t regret it. Maybe I had deep down but I didn’t want to deal with more shit going on in my life so I just ignored it.