I have been on antidepressants for six days now. For the first week it is only 10mg and will bump up to 20mg afterwards in order to get my body acclimated. I have been noticing a difference so I think it is working! I haven’t been feeling horribly down anymore or becoming really sad over things as easily as before. I also am feeling a bit more hopeful for the future.
Before I started taking this medication, when I thought of the future I felt completely hopeless. I didn’t enjoy much of anything in my life, everything was so hard to do, and I didn’t think the future was going to be any better. When the therapist asked if I had any suicidal thoughts I told her no. Which wasn’t completely true, but I was afraid to say I had, and I never thought I was in danger of actually acting on it. I just felt bad enough during my lowest lows where I didn’t want to exist. I would imagine drowning or cutting my arms and bleeding out, but I never actually attempted or thought I ever would. I did think if I didn’t address my problem and continued to get worse though, it was possible. But those thoughts have subsided, so no need to be alarmed. I am okay.
I am feeling upset about the situation with Will, but not as upset as I know I would’ve been in the past, making me feel as though this medicine is working. I almost wonder if my depression was what was making it so hard for me to walk away from him. The only thing that brought me any joy, or at least I thought it would, was seeing him. But I did feel really sad a lot of times when I was with him. But I am starting to wonder if my mental state is the reason I kept holding on, cause it felt impossible to walk away, and in my mind I felt like he was the only thing good in my life and spending time with him was the only thing I enjoyed.
I hope it is the case that the depression is what held me back because I need to be strong enough to let go. He is not a good person and he is not good for me. I need to stop making excuses for him and reminiscing on all the good times we had. I know I deserve better and he doesn’t deserve any more of my time.
After discovering he is still seeing that girl last night I texted him impulsively out of anger saying, “You are the worst. Things are over between us, please just leave me alone. Go away to Atlanta. I never want to see you again.”
He responded this morning, only saying, “What?”
That was several hours ago and I haven’t responded. I don’t think I will, but I also know he will keep contacting me. He has to know that I know, right? It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. If he’s been seeing her he must assume I found out and that’s the reason I said that.
I cannot stop obsessing over it and feel myself awaiting him to send me more messages. Why can’t I just forget about him and finally move on with my life? He has such a hold on me emotionally and I hate it.