Antidepressants

I have been on antidepressants for six days now. For the first week it is only 10mg and will bump up to 20mg afterwards in order to get my body acclimated. I have been noticing a difference so I think it is working! I haven’t been feeling horribly down anymore or becoming really sad over things as easily as before. I also am feeling a bit more hopeful for the future.

Before I started taking this medication, when I thought of the future I felt completely hopeless. I didn’t enjoy much of anything in my life, everything was so hard to do, and I didn’t think the future was going to be any better. When the therapist asked if I had any suicidal thoughts I told her no. Which wasn’t completely true, but I was afraid to say I had, and I never thought I was in danger of actually acting on it. I just felt bad enough during my lowest lows where I didn’t want to exist. I would imagine drowning or cutting my arms and bleeding out, but I never actually attempted or thought I ever would. I did think if I didn’t address my problem and continued to get worse though, it was possible. But those thoughts have subsided, so no need to be alarmed. I am okay.

I am feeling upset about the situation with Will, but not as upset as I know I would’ve been in the past, making me feel as though this medicine is working. I almost wonder if my depression was what was making it so hard for me to walk away from him. The only thing that brought me any joy, or at least I thought it would, was seeing him. But I did feel really sad a lot of times when I was with him. But I am starting to wonder if my mental state is the reason I kept holding on, cause it felt impossible to walk away, and in my mind I felt like he was the only thing good in my life and spending time with him was the only thing I enjoyed.

I hope it is the case that the depression is what held me back because I need to be strong enough to let go. He is not a good person and he is not good for me. I need to stop making excuses for him and reminiscing on all the good times we had. I know I deserve better and he doesn’t deserve any more of my time.

After discovering he is still seeing that girl last night I texted him impulsively out of anger saying, “You are the worst. Things are over between us, please just leave me alone. Go away to Atlanta. I never want to see you again.”

He responded this morning, only saying, “What?”

That was several hours ago and I haven’t responded. I don’t think I will, but I also know he will keep contacting me. He has to know that I know, right? It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. If he’s been seeing her he must assume I found out and that’s the reason I said that.

I cannot stop obsessing over it and feel myself awaiting him to send me more messages. Why can’t I just forget about him and finally move on with my life? He has such a hold on me emotionally and I hate it.

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Stupid Stupid Stupid

I thought Will and I were starting over. He said that too, it felt like we were. We talked about our future. We talked about how we were going to try to make it work when he went away to school in the fall. He was even considering not going in order to stay for me and getting a job instead. I thought he was serious about me and the thing between him and that other girl was over. We’ve been seeing each other practically everyday.

I even saw him today for the majority of the day. Then I saw on Venmo tonight they had a transaction together. It was at the same time he was texting me telling me how beautiful I looked in a photo I sent of him in a new dress I got. I cannot believe him. But worst of all, I cannot believe myself.

Why have I been so stupid? I always, always fall for him again. He always manages to reel me back in and I trust he won’t do this again. Why do I keep going back? Why am I so stupid to trust someone who continually lets me down?

I hate him so much right now. I hate myself so much right now. Now I have to go through all of this pain and heartbreak again and I feel like I can’t handle it. I know my mom was right, I know my friends were right. How do I manage to still love him? How do I manage to keep getting manipulated by him?

Prayers please, I need help, I am heartbroken.

Disappointment

When I first started to see Will recently, I tried to hide it from my family. Since I live with them, this is difficult, and resulted in me just lying to them all the time about where I was. They’re not completely oblivious, so they found out. And once that occurred, I no longer cared about how obvious it was.

When my mom found out she asked me why and I didn’t really know what to tell her. My parents don’t like him at all. They think he is abusive and bad for me. They know he cheated on me and they don’t like how unstable he is. So there’s really nothing I can say that’ll change their minds. She seemed like she mainly was just upset that I was lying to them. I felt bad, but the reason I did was because I knew they’d freak out and want an explanation and not be supportive, so I just thought it’d be easier for everyone if they didn’t know. She told me she wasn’t trying to control my life and knew I had to figure it out on my own. It sounded like she was going to just stay out of it, and I was really relieved.

But then several days past, and I was seeing Will practically everyday, and my family assumed I was with him since I was always gone. My mom came into my bedroom last night at 11pm completely frazzled saying she thought I was in a really bad place and making really bad decisions. She wanted me to explain myself. She couldn’t wrap her mind around why I would still be giving a guy who has treated me so poorly the time of day. I was tired and she was really stressing me out, and I didn’t have an answer. Nothing I could say would make her feel any differently. She thought it was because I thought so lowly of myself that I believed it was all I deserved. However that’s not really the case. I am not insecure or feel like I don’t deserve someone great. I just love Will. I love being with him. He knows me better than anyone in the world and I love being with him more than anything else. It’s one of the few things that brings me true happiness these days. I know I am in a bad place. I am trying my best, trying antidepressants, and not in a good enough mental state to deal with more stress from her. She was making me feel guilty about being in a bad place by saying they already had enough to worry about. But please, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I just want them to back off a little. It’s not a life or death situation. And them being this aggravated me just makes me less likely to want to come home. Now it’s awkward and I feel like a huge disappointment.

Summer Daze

It’s been awhile since I posted. I am in a strange place. I have been struggling with depression to the extent where I decided I needed to get help. I went to a therapist and she told me I was doing everything right. My lifestyle choices are all great. I sleep enough, I eat well, I exercise, I try to cope by doing things I enjoy… yet I still feel so terrible. It’s still so hard for me to just, be. So, she told me she didn’t think I’d feel any better through therapy. She recommended I go to the psychiatrist and get put on antidepressants. So that’s what I did. Today is only day one of being on the medication, so it is to be determined on whether or not it’ll help. I hope it does, I haven’t been feeling well for a long time. I feel like this depression has been a problem for me for a long time. I remember feeling this way multiple times throughout my life. The reason I never did anything about it was because I typically would just ride it out. But lately, it doesn’t seem to be shaking.

It is summer now and I decided to spend my days taking a class and getting a part time job. I got a job at a boutique warehouse, but I hated it. It wasn’t a bad job. It was pretty easy and I made okay money. But I dreaded going each night. I also felt like I didn’t fit in with the people there and the job itself wasn’t great. So yesterday I didn’t show up and just texted my manager telling him I could no longer work due to urgent medical reasons. I blocked him afterwards because I can’t handle hearing what he had to say. It isn’t really a lie, since I do think my depression impacted my feelings towards the job. But it makes me feel pretty bad about myself that I failed. I also feel ashamed for quitting so inconsiderately and abruptly. It was such an easy job and the money was nice, I wish I could’ve just pulled through during the summer. But it literally felt impossible.

Thankfully my class is going okay. I love the professor and got an A on my first essay (yay!), so that’s good news. It’s still difficult for me to get motivated to get my homework done and I feel like I’m not doing the best I could, but I am trying my best.

Maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I cannot help but feel bad when I am unsuccessful. I really hope this medication helps me, because if it doesn’t I am not sure what to do. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I don’t feel okay. I don’t really know how to even describe how I feel. I just feel like a mess, and constantly unfulfilled and dissatisfied with my life. Is that even what depression is? Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just don’t enjoy life. Is there a difference? Does not enjoying your life mean there’s something wrong with you?

The biggest update and shocker of all is that I have been seeing Will again. I’m not sure how I feel about it. It kind of feels like we’re starting all over again. We aren’t technically back together, but I’ve started seeing him almost everyday the past couple weeks. My emotions are mixed. When I’m with him I love him dearly. It feels like the old days again. But in my gut I can’t help but remember all of our problems and worry I will never be able to trust him. He never regained my trust and I’m not sure he ever can or will. So it’s hard. The logical solution to this situation is probably not to see him, since a future with us is probably doomed and another heartbreak is inevitable. But he makes it so hard. When I’m with him it feels so real. I truly feel like I’m with my soulmate. He knows me better than anyone else in the world and I have never felt more like myself. It also feels like he really loves me. At least most days.

The thing about Will that scares me is that I’m afraid his feelings for me are on and off. I think it is because of his bipolar. Most times with him he seems to really love me. But if we have a hangout that isn’t perfect, I fear he won’t love me the next day. That’s how it goes with him. One day I’m the love of his life, the next day he wants to break things off. It’s that extreme and was a constant cycle during our relationship.

But I see the love of my life on the good days (which is most days). How do I let go of that?

 

9 months

Will had a manic episode and had to go to a mental hospital for a week. This was about a month ago.

He had been staying up all night for several nights a week and I’m unsure if he was taking his medicine properly. Both sleep and medication are the two key factors in staying stable when you have bipolar disorder. Since this wasn’t happening he became more and more manic to the point of psychosis.

His father came over to his house while this was happening to bring him to his parents house to make sure he was safe and okay. He got very angry with his father and they got into a physical fight. Will ended up calling the cops, basically 1013ing himself. So the police came and his father explained that he was mentally ill and they brought him to the emergency room. At the ER he refused to take his medication and they brought him to a mental hospital.

The week he was at the hospital felt like eternity. I’m sure it felt so much longer for him than it did for me. He called me almost every day at some point while he was there. The calls were very brief since they don’t get much time. I was used to seeing him everyday so being alone for a whole week felt so strange and sad. I went to visit him there in person during visiting hours on one of the last days before he was released. It was so good to see him and he seemed to be a lot more stable and himself.

He finally came home and he started to digress again. He still didn’t take care of himself and has still not come back to normal.

I decided to make the decision that it was too much for me to handle and broke up with him. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made but I know it’s for the best. It was just about 9 months into our relationship.

The night I broke up with him he spent the night at his ex girlfriend’s house who he had cheated on me with throughout our relationship. That just solidified my feelings of making the right decision.

The break unfortunately wasn’t a clean break. I still held on to hopes that we could be together and saw him a few times afterwards and we even decided to get back together just a few days ago. But that only lasted about 20 hours.

I was over at his house the day we got back together and he had told me he was ending things with that girl. He was texting her while I was with him telling her he had gotten back together with me.

He was showing me the messages and I saw that she had said “You literally told me you loved me less than 24 hours ago.”

I had already felt so unsure of getting back with him and when I saw that the regret filled my entire body. I had the horrible feeling of nausea fill my stomach knowing I had made a huge mistake and needed to get out of this. I didn’t know that he was in love with this girl. He had told me that he didn’t have feelings for her at all.

I told him we made a mistake and it was over between us. I wanted a clean break, as in no communication whatsoever and definitely no seeing each other. I need to just move on with my life.

He agreed with me while I was there and I drove home. He texted me when I got back asking me why I just turned like that since things were going so well. I told him I didn’t realize he was in love with her. He tried to convince me he wasn’t and was so happy that we had gotten back together. I said “You’ve been telling her that you love her. How am I supposed to trust you.” He then asked if it was possible to love two people. I of course want nothing to do with that. So I just said “Please just leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you.”

My guess is that he won’t stop contacting me but my decision needs to remain the same. I have no hard feelings towards him, I just feel bad for him. He still seems manic and unwell. I just hope he gets the true help he needs one day.

But unfortunately I cannot be apart of it. Our relationship has caused me more pain than anything else. It has just become way too much for me to handle. I still feels waves of sadness but time will heal all. I know that it is the right decision and I am at peace with that. Time will heal the rest.

7 months

Will and I are still dating and it has been about seven months. I haven’t blogged since I believe our third or fourth date which was several months ago. I apologize for not keeping up. I probably am the one that is most disappointed in that fact. It would’ve been nice to have blogged throughout our relationship.

Therefore, my synopsis of our relationship is going to be a very brief overview, but still having much to say.

I don’t believe I mentioned this in previous posts but Will is bipolar. When we first began to date I would have never known based on the way he acted. But since he has been my brother’s best friend for so many years and since he mentioned it, I knew that he was.

The longer our relationship continued to develop, the more I could see it coming through. The first major issue in our relationship appeared around the five month mark. Will hadn’t been taking a certain medication that he needed to be taking. The reason behind why is complicated, and he thought he didn’t need it, however he very much did.

He confessed to me that he had been cheating on me the past five months with his ex girlfriend. The situation was completely bizarre because he never liked this girl. She wasn’t very attractive, overweight, and he on and off dated her and was very embarrassed doing so while he was. Whereas him and I had an extremely loving and happy relationship. It made absolutely no sense. He couldn’t even explain why he was doing it, he was disgusted by himself. It was almost as if something in his mind was forcing him to do it.

After discovering this I obviously was incredibly heartbroken and took some time away to think about how to proceed. I also did research on Bipolar disorder and discovered that if not on the right medication you can experience “hyper sexuality”. Which apparently is practically impossible to control and is not at all personal. Will doing this to me, I convinced myself, had to be due to him not being on the right medication. It was truly the only reasonable explanation to why and how he could do this to me.

So I reached out to him after some time off and we discussed how the only way this would work is if he starts to take his medicine. I also told him that our relationship was basically on trial and if he isn’t able to assure me of his trustworthiness and gain my trust back this isn’t going to work.

Getting over someone cheating on you takes an enormous amount of strength and patience. The pain and anger I felt for him doing this lasted for awhile and at times I definitely thought it could never go away. The only way I was able to find forgiveness in my heart for this was telling myself that it was his illness and not him himself. It had to be, I couldn’t believe that our whole relationship was a lie.

It has been about two months since this all happened and we are still together. Things have gotten better and easier. I also feel like we’ve become a lot closer.

However, lately he’s been acting strange and kind of manic. Since he has bipolar he’s constantly up and down. It makes our relationship feel like a rollercoaster. The highs are so incredible but the lows are awful. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone but I don’t know if I can stay with him for the longterm. It crushes me to think that the reason we couldn’t be together is purely due to his illness. Because beyond that, we are so compatible.

So I am unsure of what to do. I feel like I am not strong enough to walk away from someone who I love so much. But I also don’t know if I’m strong enough to sign up for this. I hope you don’t think I am being insensitive to mental illness because trust me that is not the case. It is just a lot to deal with and causing myself a lot of anxiety and pain on a fairly regular basis. And if I think of us long term, as in committing my life to him, that is a huge thing to consider.

Food for Thought

I have seen Will twice more since my last post. We saw each other on Thursday night. He picked me up and we went to the same coffee shop that we had our first date on and tried more of their teas. We even sat in the exact same booth. It was really sweet. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him afterwards and I said sure. We ended up getting a movie at Redbox and watching it at his place. We had the movie on for about five minutes before we started to kiss and then make our way to the bedroom. He is incredibly strong and will always pick me up and I’ll wrap my legs around his waste as he walks us there. I’m pretty small, but he is also very strong.

Things escalated and we were in the same situation as last time. We were both completely undressed and it seemed like sex was what was going to happen. So I asked him if he wanted to, and he replied by asking me if I did. I didn’t really know if I did or not so my response was just to kiss him. He pushed himself into me once and asked if it hurt. I told him it did. He said he’d need to get a condom anyways. He rolled off of me and said, “Can I ask you a question?”. “Sure.” “Are you a virgin?”. I had a feeling that would be the question. I said, “Not technically.” “What do you mean?” “I have done it a couple of times but it was a bad decision.” “A bad position?” “No, a bad decision.”

It was silent for a bit until he said he was sorry my first time was bad. I said it was okay it was my own fault. He kissed me on my forehead and said it wasn’t. After this exchange he said he thinks we should wait and I agreed.

I felt so much better after having this conversation since I felt weird about last time. Clearly he didn’t view me as “easy” or “fast” since I felt ready last time. I feel silly now for even thinking so because if you met me you’d know I’m not even remotely like that.

I do feel a bit strange about one thing though. Ever since my horrible experiences with guys since going to college (you can read about in my earlier posts), I feel they have changed my views on intimacy. I used to think that I was the type of person to only be intimate with someone when I really liked them and we were in a relationship. I thought sex was such an incredibly special thing you should only do if you’re in love. I now find that it is hard to live that way in today’s society. I still do feel this way to an extent, but it seems like no one else does. I want sex to be special but it seems that no one else views it that way. But if sex isn’t a big deal and isn’t a beautiful and special thing, then what is? I can’t deal with the idea that I’m having sex with someone and it doesn’t mean much, that is so depressing to me. It’s such a vulnerable thing to do, yet even Will, the guy I’m with now who I think has tremendous integrity and morals, is ready to have sex so early on. Does he not view sex that highly? Or does he just already like me that much? Is it really that old fashioned of me to want to live in a world where we only kiss people we have feelings for and have sex with people we’re in love with? At the very least I want to be in a relationship with him before we have sex, but I’m leaving that ball in his court. We haven’t had the talk about it yet, and I’m not really sure how/when that will happen. I don’t really know how long people typically wait to define their relationships these days.

It seems like next time I’ll have to tell him I want to wait on sex for awhile. I am not really sure how long I even want to wait to be honest. But I do know I want it to be special and no one ever regrets waiting and taking things slow. I really like him so I don’t want to rush into things this time and have regrets. My first time was a huge mistake that I want to start with a clean slate and make this time as special as I’ve always imagined. (or at least close).